alienation

im sitting here in the student lounge of the school i once attended some months ago and even among familiar faces im feeling like a complete stranger. people around here are busy with the last days of the quarter conversing with friends and adding final touches for their finals, but this no longer feels like the same school i had gone to just a couple months ago. so much looks familiar and yet at the same time seem so alien.

my friend that lives across the street from me will be moving back home next week since he’s graduating at the end of this quarter. im starting to feel isolated already since i wont have any friends around to hang out with. maybe this time could be used to find myself again since ive lost who i am. for the longest time ive wanted to create video games and until lately ive worked hard to try and realize my dreams. ive lately been wondering why; why am i having so much trouble realizing my dreams? why has everything gotten so hard lately? why dont i have time even for the shortest of video games? why are games not as satisfying as they used to be? what has become of the industry and is it going to directly follow in the footsteps of the RIAA?

ive added some books to my reading list lately; the book of satan (anton lavey), the art of deception (kevin mitnick), mein kampf (adolf hitler, english translation). i still have a bunch of books i havent ready yet, but will once i get to them; light infantry tactics for small teams (cris larsen), fireworks – the art, science, and technique (takeo shimizu) wi-foo – the secrets of wireless hacking (andrew vladimov, konstitin gavrilenko, andrei mikhailovsky). there are still books i want to get my hands on, one of which is a theory of fun (raph koster), but i cant seem to find it at a reasonable price since its out of print for the time being.

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